Dear Recruiter

Recruiters out there – I know you're busy. I know you're in a pressure cooker industry and a miserable economy. But please, for the love of all that is holy and Boolean, please actually glance at resumes before spamming them. It makes us all look bad.

Dear Recruiter,

I'm writing in response to a job that you just emailed me. My mom taught me to respond nicely when people ask me questions, so my responses are included below. Should you have any questions, please feel free to contact me and we can discuss this opportunity further.

Do you have mail experience? Well, yes. In fact, I receive mail every day, including Software Development News and IEEE Xplore. I also have the ability to put outgoing mail in my mailbox every morning on my way to my current job as an engineering manager for a software company.

Can you lift 50 pounds? Well, yes. In fact, I lug about 50 pounds of combined total weight of coffee, cookies, and assorted high-horsepower hardware to my job as an engineering manager for a software company.

This is a temporary position length unknown are you ok with that? First of all, that sentence is the grammatical equivalent of pop rocks coated with asbestos. Second, since "length unknown" is somewhat vague, mathematically, I internalize this to mean that this position could potentially have a duration of zero minutes. In that case, I am completely (as you say) "ok with that".

I find the insinuation in your email (which looks like a ransom note from a crazed murderer, it has so many different fonts and awkward cut-and-paste transitions) that I sent my resume to you fairly surprising. As my current role as an engineering manager for a software company pays nearly 8 times as much as this mail sorter job, and I have a product launch happening in four days with a team that depends on me, I am afraid I must decline at this time.

Sincerely,

Anno Y. Edev